Irritating Irritants

Phew! I sure will be glad when Fall gets here and things begin to cool off, including little old me.  It seems everything irritates me lately.  I'm blaming the hot weather and not my advanced age.

When I retired, I stopped setting the alarm, except for the days I needed to get up early to go to the lab for blood work or when I wanted to get up early to go to my daughter's house, an eight hour drive. "I'll do whatever I want, whenever I want. No more daily schedules!" I gloated.

After a while, though, I fell into a daily routine of sorts.  Up around 8:30 a.m., coffee and roll, watch Matlock reruns, then the view. Then, I'd read or get on the computer, or even nap a little, keeping the TV on just for the noise. I can do more than one thing at a time. It's called multitasking.  I have skillz.

I usually have H&G or the Food Network on during the day because they don't require half a brain to watch. However, this summer has been a little different. This summer certain people on TV have started driving me crazy (Jay would tell you that it's not a drive, but a short putt.) Their little idiosyncrasies are getting to me, starting with the women on The View. Whoopi is OK, but Joy gets a bit obsessed with news stories like the Casey Anthony trial. At least, she's funny, though. I'm tired of Barbara and her self-promotion and her talking through a pucker.  Elisabeth is just clueless and shrill and needs to learn how to spell her first name. If Sherri (sp?)  doesn't hurry up and get married, I may just scream. Her wedding is shaping up to rival the World's Fair, only tasteless, and we are kept abreast of every tiny detail of this three-ring circus. Note to Sherri: You can CLAIM to be a born-again virgin all you want, but you can't un-ring that bell if you talk from now until doomsday, which you seem to think will occur sometime in 2012.

If I have to watch another greedy couple looking for more house than they can afford on House Hunters, it will be too soon. And, I don't want to hear wifey say, while gazing into a walk-in closet bigger than my whole apartment, "Well, I think it will fit all my stuff, sweetums, but where will you put your clothes?  Yuk, yuk, yuk. And, by the way, your clothes will fit in the closet, the closet will not fit your clothes.

Most of the folks who are getting on my last nerve, though, are on the Food Network, notably Rachael Ray, with her constant references to "E.V.O.O.," "Sammis" and "Stoups." A little bit of Rachael goes a long way with me, as does Guy Fieri. Question: If you took away Guy's red bell peppers, could he cook at all?

Last, and possibly least, there's Paula Deen, Y'awl. Just give her a "spatchler" and some "pap-a-rika and she's ready to cook.  Hey, Paul, it's pronounced "peCANS" not "PEE-cans" and, try to tone down that laugh. If I wanted to watch Hee-Haw, I would.

OK. See what I mean?  It's the heat, I tell you. right after the first cold snap next Fall, Paula will once again be a fun-loving, bawdy Southern gal and Guy will, mercifully,  hit the road. Rachael will be kinda cute, again, maybe.

And, on The View, Sherri will be safely married and looking forward to her next baby and we'll be regaled daily with discussions of her morning sickness and treated to updated ultra-sound photos. Barbara will still be touting her big interview, probably with the Oslo shooter and Elisabeth? Well, she'll still be an idiot.

Until Fall, I'll be here every few days, all hot and bothered about something.

Stay tuned.

Little Things Piss Me Off

Lately, I've noticed that even websites I love have begun to piss me off. This is bad, since I do all my shopping on line because people piss me off when I go into stores or out in traffic or in restaurants or at movie theaters......well, you get the idea. So, when I started getting just a tad irritated at my beloved Amazon.com and Netflix, I decided it was time to complain.

You'd think that the people in charge of the Amazon.com site would have mastered computer technology to the point of being able to develop something that would alert them to the fact that some of the items they suggest to me are items I have already purchased. I know they could do this if they tried, because if I order a book that I purchased back in, say, 2003, I get a little message in red, at the top of the page reminding me about it. It also reminds me that I'm old and forgetful, but that's neither here nor there.

It only stands to reason that, if they can already tell ME what books I have ordered in the past, they should know how to tweak the technology enough to give THEMSELVES the same information? Right? Right!

Amazon.com has more ways of analyzing me, my likes and dislikes, than an FBI profiler. I suspect they can predict my mood on any given day, just from the information I have provided to them. When I first logged on, I gave them a list of my reading preferences. They always ask me to rate the books I have just read, and I dutifully comply. There is also a place for me to check if I am not interested in a book they have recommended, which they assure me will help them decide what future offerings to recommend. They offered me the opportunity to make a "wish list", which friends and family could check when it is time to give me a gift. I haven't filled this out, however, because I'd rather have a gift certificate, then I can pick out my own gift, thank you very much.

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On to Netflix, another of my favorite sites.

Since I "discovered" this wonderful service, I have ordered "No Country For Old Men", "Michael Clayton", "Gone Baby Gone", "The Good Shepherd" and all of the "Bourne" movies, among others of that genre, with an occasional foray into silly British farces, such as "Sean of the Dead".

So, I'd like for them to 'splain to me what it is about the above movie rentals that suggests to you that I would also enjoy "What Women Want", "Annie Hall", "Mr. Deeds" and "Sense and Sensibility", "While You Were Sleeping" and "Sleepless In Seattle".

Pay attention, people! This chick don't watch chick flicks! By recommending them, are you trying to say something derogatory about my movie choices? Or, perhaps I'm being too sensitive and you are just trying to lighten up my otherwise dreary life. Whatever.

Get busy, Amazon. com and Netflix and fix this minor irritation. I will keep ordering movies and books from you, but you could make me a little happier by not trying to second-guess me on my choices.

Bur, I warn you, I am at an age where I could turn on you at a moment's notice.