I know I can get pretty snarky. And, I can be very sarcastic, sometimes to the point that everybody thinks I'm serious. Usually I'm just going for a cheap laugh. I'm not out to hurt anyone. Honest. But, sometimes I see a story in the paper or on television, and the urge to be ubersnarky just overcomes me. This happened this week and I've fought it. Fought it hard. To no avail. So here goes.
Did you know that former Vice President Dick Cheney is America's latest Million Dollar Man? He went back to the hospital last week, suffering from congestive heart failure, and the doctors pulled out all the stops to keep him going. They implanted a gadget that is usually only used as a stop-gap while the patient is awaiting a heart transplant. Cheney is not a candidate for a heart transplant, so they decided that they would implant the device on a permanent basis - or at least for the next four or five years, at which time, they would have to implant a new one. Sounds desperate, doesn't it?
So, from now on, Cheney won't have a pulse. That's right, no pulse! The device just pushes blood through the left ventricle constantly without letting the heart contract. Spooky, huh? So is he actually alive or not?
Picture this: "Hello? 911? This is Lynn Cheney. Cheney, you know. I've called before. Yes, that's the one. Anyway, I think my husband is having a heart attack. Come quick!"
So, the paramedics arrive, and the paramedic-in-training kneels beside the patient, and after a few moments, says, " I can't get a pulse." The supervisor runs over and starts CPR. After a few more minutes, he says, "Fire up the defibrillator." Zap, zap, zap. Still no pulse. "Well, he's gone. No need to take him to the hospital. Just drop him off at the morgue."
Mrs. Cheney is sobbing hysterically and insisting, "He's alive. You don't understand! He just doesn't have a pulse!"
The paramedics look at each other knowingly, and zip up the body bag and put him on the gurney. "Wives can never face the truth."