Happy Mother's Day

For the past few days, I have been trying to write a Mother's Day blog. But, I find that I am still, at my advanced age, ambivalent about my mother. The problem is, I didn't like her very much. I have spent a lifetime determined not to be like her.

It's not that she was a horrible person. She didn't drink or have a drug problem. After over-analyzing the situation for so many years, I have decided that she just wasn't cut out to be a mother. She did everything that she was supposed to do for me, except love me. She was cold, but not neglectful, and she "did her duty". There were never any hugs or spontaneous days out together.

After my Dad died, she distanced herself and consequently, me, from Daddy's family, and all of her friends. She wasn't close to her sister, and her parents had retired to Florida by this time, so we were pretty isolated. If it hadn't been for school, I'd have probably gone crazy. Luckily, after a year, I went off to college. When she left, after helping me move into the dorm, she said, 'Don't come home for a while."

She had to go back to work, after being a stay-at-home mom for all of my seventeen years, and after she got used to working again, she seemed happier. She was a registered nurse, and worked in Obstetrics at a local hospital. She put all her time and energy into the job, even going so far as to volunteer to work every holiday so "the nurses with small children could have the day off". At home, every day, she retired to her bedroom to read and watch tv. She would come out to cook dinner and then go back again for the rest of the evening.

When I think back on that time, I think she must have been depressed, and could have benefited from Prozac or Paxil or some mood altering drug, but those drugs didn't exist. Also, back then, you didn't just go to a psychologist or psychiatrist and talk out your problems. There was a stigma attached to it. I know she must have been terrified to have to go back into the workforce, after all those years. Her answer seemed to be to draw into herself even more than usual, which pretty much left me to fend for myself.

After DJ and I were married, she didn't even warm up when we had children. I think she actually loved them, and derived a lot of pleasure from them, and she told us that when they were older, she would have them come and visit for a week every now and then. But, it never happened, because she died before that could happen, so we'll never know if that would have occurred.

Over the years, I have softened a lot in my feelings for her. I think she was her own worst enemy, not being able to reach out for the acceptance she needed. One of her neighbors described her as "poignant", and I guess that is a pretty good description.

I spent my life trying to please her, until it became obvious that it wasn't going to happen, so I finally let it go. I don't dislike her any more, but I do often wonder how our relationship might have been if she had been able to get the help she needed, and by extension, the help I must have needed, too.

It makes me feel sad.