Laughing Through My Dotage

I went to lunch at Shoney's with my friend, M, today, and she was her usual outrageous self. I have known her for over thirty years. We played a lot of golf together, in our younger days, and bridge. We've actually had a lot of fun, but as we get older, I have to admit that she has gotten weird.

We had just given the server our order today, when she said, in her piercing voice, "WHEN IS OUR CONGRESS GOING TO HAVE THE BALLS TO IMPEACH GEORGE W. BUSH? JUST TELL ME WHEN." I glanced around at the other diners, who were all looking at us, and said, quietly, "Would this be the same George W. Bush that you couldn't wait to vote for in 2000?"

As long as I have known this woman, I have never been able to figure out if she actually expects an answer to her questions. Our conversations often sound like this:

M: Do you remember So-and-So?

Me: No

M: Sure you do. You remember So-and-So! He's the one who owned __________ business.

Me: No. I have never met him.

M. You haven't ever met him? Are you sure?

Me: Yes, I'm sure.

M: Well, you know his wife, don't you? They have four kids and all of them were on drugs and two of the boys are in prison, and one of the girls married ______________ and they divorced six months later.

Me: I swear I've never met them.

M: Hmmmmm. I was sure you had.

Me; Well anyway, what about him?

M: Who?

We like to go to Branson and shop at the outlet malls and then go to dinner. Once, just for a change, we decided to go to one of the shows. Neil Sedaka was appearing with The Captain and Tenille. We sat right down front - great seats. The Captain and Tenille were on first, and we enjoyed them. Then, it was time for Neil Sedaka. The stage turned around, and he was sitting at his piano and singing. He finished his first number, and just as the applause died down, he stood up and came to the front of the stage. And, M said (in that voice, again) "HE'S SHORT! I DON'T LIKE SHORT MEN." If he heard her, he didn't let it show. But, I do think it got him off his game for the next couple of numbers.

She gets a notion in her head, and nothing can sway her. We went to a furniture store one day, and on the way there, she said, "I heard they have a line of women's clothing, now." I said, "Why would they want to sell women's cothing? They're a furniture store." Nothing I said could dissuade her, however. So, when we got there, we went all over the store, with me looking at furniture and M looking for the Womenswear department.

When there was no place else to look, we started out the door, and a salesman came up to us.
I tried to warn him off with various hand signals, but he didn't notice. She asked, "Don't you sell women's clothing here?"

S: "No ma'am, we don't."

M: Didn't I see in the paper where you've put in a clothing department?

S: No, ma'am.

M: I'm sure I read that.

S: No, we've never sold clothing.

And, she gave him a suspicious look, and said, "Hmmmm. Well, all right."

There's nothing she likes better than a good argument. And, as I recall, her parents were the same way. When they'd get together, their discussions would become outrage, and soon, they'd all be yapping at the same time. It sounded like midnight at the Pound. Now that her parents are gone, I'm sure she misses those gripefests, because there's no one left who will argue with her.

For all the aggravations she causes me - I always seem to have to go home and take a couple of aspirins after being with her - she's still a good-hearted person. She's generous to a fault, and interested in everything. And, after thirty-odd years, I've learned to laugh at and with her.

There's one thing for sure. She's never boring.